This made me laugh, so I thought I would share it. I miss having a grandfather sometimes, but I’m not sure I would like a “Leland”. (Though he could prove useful in scaring away Jehovas Witnesses and door-to-door salesmen, LOL) The ad is from bestofcraigslist.com:
FREE TO A GOOD HOME
Date: 2009-09-20, 5:36PM AKDT
Have you ever wondered how your life would be with a hateful, cantankerous, rude, hypocrytical, opinionated, obnoxious, obese, angry, hairy, verbally abusive, and co-dependant Grandfather that your not related to?
His name is Leland, hes in his 70’s, hopefully in poor health. Leland enjoys judging others and enabling one of his many criminal children to plunder various objects from his wives family.
If you enjoy suspenders, creepy non-audible chuckling, being referred to as “dickhead”, generic old man comb-overs, random accusations of drug abuse, that old people stench that sticks in the back of your throat, rude judgemtal comments about your loved ones, watching your grandmother be maliciously manipulated into hating her own children/grandchildren/anyone, your house being cluttered with useless shit that he pretends he invented, and interacting with someone who is completely devoid of a soul, then we have the Leland for you!
1)Leland needs plenty of happiness to suck out of the area around him, so make sure that you provide him enough sacrifices. (I.E. children, cats, adult humans….really anyone extra you have laying around).
2) Make sure you have a healthy supply of ridiculous red suspenders readily available.
3)An elderly woman to follow around and order about.
4)Enough tools to invent really crappy things that for some wierd reason really have been invented before.
5)Thousands of dollars in cash or anything tradeable/sellable/pawnable so that his worthless, space wasting peices of shit sons can come and steal it for drugs.
6)Anyone that ever needs a favor excluding anyone in his family, so that he can have the immense joy and satisfaction of telling them no.
7)Cats to kick.
8) Children to kick.
9)Disabled people to kick.
10)Erection pills, he cant get it up alone, but he needs to jerk off to his diabolical genius. Possibly his inability to achieve an erection has caused some of his more “Fun” personality quirks.
As hard as it is to let such a wonderful person and human being leave our lives… We all feel the need to share this beautiful creation of god with the rest of the community, if not the world.
If you feel up to the task… PLEASE don’t dilly dally around.. I imagine everyone will rush to respond to such an earth shattering offer… he may be gone before you can get to him.
SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY
- Location: Peter Creek
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests